Published: October 27, 2009 12:30 pm      

GUEST COLUMN: The dreaded case of the colonoscopy

By Jim Holmes

Hey, I was on TV last week! You may not have caught the broadcast, though, unless you subscribe to the Colon Channel. I don't think it has a lot of viewers, but I understand in my case a few nursing students at our Live Oak Shands Hospital found my broadcast informative, if not entertaining. (Mind you, I've always dreamed of a group of cute little nursing students giving me the eye. Of course, my colon didn't enter into any of those fantasies.)

If you haven't guessed by now, this old coot had a routine colonoscopy examination this month. For the uninitiated -- and if you are on the high side of 50, please speak to your doctor soon about getting initiated -- a colonoscopy is a procedure where your doctor runs a tiny television camera on a cable up the intestinal tract, looking for potentially cancerous growths. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Well, the good news is that the procedure is normally carried out while you are under a light anesthetic. (Which unfortunately deprived me of winking at the student nurses.)

The bad news is the preparation. As I'm sure you know, a plumber can't check pipes in your home if they're full. Well, the same is true for the Doc, meaning you will need to undergo a full colon cleansing, which takes place over the two days before the actual procedure.

I suggest you pretty much surrender your dignity when you walk into your local drug store. That's when you tell the little girl behind the counter in the pharmacy you need a gallon jug of laxative. (I suspect the pharmacists train their young assistants not to giggle or smirk at that point ... and bless her heart, mine was well trained.)

After the pharmacy visit is over, I suggest you stop by the local Burger King on the way home. You are there not so much for a Triple Whopper, but to pick up one of those paper crowns they give the kids. You should have one, because you are going to be spending the next couple of days on the throne.

I can assure you that you will be tickled pink when the day of the procedure arrives, as you will finally be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. (Perhaps that's a bad example when writing about colonoscopies, but I think you understand what I mean.)

In my case, the procedure itself took less than a half hour and I'm thankful to say everything is fine.

I really need to add at this point that while colonoscopies are no trip to Disney World, having one every few years is vital. I doubt anyone has ever gone in for a colonoscopy for the fun of it and if they have, they need further medical help. You do it because you know the alternative -- undiagnosed colon cancer -- is even worse.

So please, join the rest of us old coots who have surrendered our dignity and undergone the procedure. It could save your like.

Oh, one final note. When you meet with the doctor for the follow-up consultation, don't forget to ask him for a note to your wife assuring her that no matter what she thinks, there was no indication your head had ever been up there.

Jim Holmes lives in Live Oak.